Its been a little while since my last post. Well since our whole world sort of did a little flip. It sort of gives a person perspective the true meaning that things can change in the matter of a moment.
Well on January 23rd my mother who had been doing fine didn't answer her phone. Since I was ill with strep throat my husband ran over there and met my brother......
Things were not ok. She was not ok.
Seems she had passed away sometime either going to bed or getting up in the morning sitting by her bed. She looked peaceful so it must have been quick what ever it was as she hadn't even tried to reach for her phone or anything. It has sent our family in a shock as she never really was ill that we noticed but also a comfort that she never had a long suffering like our brother Paul with his battle with cancer.
Our kids are so strong and they been through the death and dying with Uncle Paul so unfortunantly they do understand it some but it is hard on them too. They were all so very close to Gramma. When Dan called me and spoke the dreaded words "Its too late" I began to sob uncontrolable and bless Andres who really didn't know at the time what was going on but did everything in his power to comfort me. He gave me my Kindle and said lets go in the other room so we can snuggle. They asked is it Gramma. They asked if she was dead....guess a reaction like that speaks for its self.
I read "Heaven's for Real" to them several times. They requested it at least nightly for a couple weeks. I had bought it when my Brother Paul died so they remembered it.
Andres has a real good understanding of it. He's sad as we all are but his questions are appropriate and he asks about heaven and somethings I just cant answer but I think as hard as it is its theraputic for me to be counseling the kids through this all.
Aaliyah I think might finally be getting it. At the funeral even she kept asking what if she just all of a suddenly wakes up and sits up. She comes up with what I feel inappropriate questions and statements at times but she's only 6. She finally said Gramma's not comming back from Heaven is she.
NeVaeh has seemed quite well about it. She did fine at the funeral home and the funeral she was besides herself. We had trouble getting her to be quiet and settle down. Though when she saw mom in the casket she just waved at her. I'm not certain she understood it all. However Im noticing now when I take her to church she's quite unsettled. She is loud and doesn't want to sit still. It occured to me today that mom was always with me in church. Im wondering if this is her way of greiving.
(Pictures of the sunrise the day of mom's funeral)
Dan has been wonderful. It was very unsettling for him to see mom in that state. He has been my rock though. I don't know if I could get through all this without him. We did it 10 years ago with each others Dad's, He helped me get through Paul's death, now my mom.
All of this is making our Faith in God stronger and our Family and Love stronger.
Now one would think dealing with your mothers death would be enough on your plate to keep your head spinning and sanity on the edge but the day before I went back to work from my berevement I took Aaliyah to her Neurology appointment. He reveiwed her MRI/MRA with me. She last year was diagnosed with Moyamoya which is a vascualar disease that arteries in the brain constrict and constrict blood flow. Now last year her doctor told me it made a slight risk of having a stroke. This year I was completely blind sited. He reveiwed the films and said with the changes he sees he feels she will need to have surgery before she has a stroke. The MRI/MRA is being evaluated in another state right now by a doctor that specializes in PHACES syndrome.
We have no idea what is next if they will recommend surgery or something else but its all unknown at this point....also if surgery we don't know what state they will send us to.
Well after all this stress I am finally....surprisingly kind of calm now. I've come to terms that God is guiding us through the rough waters. I have asked Dan to come with me to Aaliyah's next Neuro appt as that was too much for me to handle by myself but I think right now I've found my footing. I don't cry everytime someone asks about mom. Yes I will cry when I think too long about mom or get in a moment that Mom should be with us. But She taught us to have faith! She taught us its ok to cry! She taught us God is there no matter what, no matter how, no matter where.
We have a very strong family. Our kids have been through so much that I believe they get through tough things like this maybe even better than kids who have never seen a loss.
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